Diet Spa


In Frasier’s 8th season, Daphne Moon, struggling with issues related to emotional eating, gains a lot of weight (FYI, she was pregnant). To lose it, she goes off to a spa (maternity leave). She returns a few episodes later, back to her thin self.


While actual diet “spas” are probably horrible places, it got me thinking about a magical place I could go to diet, which is actually really difficult to do properly when you’re busy and have a life. My dream diet spa would be something like this:

You arrive at the diet spa, a nice place off in nature somewhere. You’re immediately given hot shorts and other cute outfits that look great and fit properly. You put them on and join a group of women of various body types. They’re also wearing hot shorts, in an environment where they’re not shamed about their bodies. For the first week or so, you just hang out with these people over drinks and good food. You start to notice how great your new friends look, and it dawns on you that maybe you look pretty good too. At this point, you might decide to leave the diet spa and go on with your life, finally feeling comfortable in your body.

If you decide to stay, that’s fine too. The new routine begins. Every morning, you wake up and have some scrambled eggs (tossed salads are later in the day) and toast or whatever. Fruit maybe? I don’t know. Healthy things, real food. Someone from Café Nervosa can make you a nice coffee too.

Then you go down to the dog area. There, you’ll find a pack of dogs (at least 10) to accompany you on a nice long walk in the forest. Eddie is there, and so is my dog Runner. You can run if you want to, but nobody’s forcing you into any boot-camp type of situation. Also, you don’t have to pick up the dogs’ shit. Someone else does that. Because exercise is obviously beneficial, it is encouraged, and other activities are available if you decide.

For lunch, you are given the tossed salad of your dreams. You know those build-your-own salad bars that have all those great toppings? I love those. So, it’s kind of like that.

You spend the afternoon reading or hanging out with your new friends. Dr. Frasier Crane and Dr. Niles Crane are both there, along with several excellent female psychiatrists, if you’d like to do some therapy. There are nutritionists to talk to if needed. You can also go for a swim. Maybe the spa is by an ocean?

For dinner, excellent chefs are on staff to make you delicious, healthful foods, like a raw tuna and salmon bowl with rice and vegetables (I’m thinking of a specific menu item at a Montreal restaurant called Kazu, if any of my zero readers ever make it to town). The cooks can also teach you how to make these things for yourself. Dinner selections include carbs, gluten, full-fat foods, sugars, etcetera, all within the calorie range you’ve chosen for your diet. Then you have dessert and a small glass of sherry if you want.

After you’ve reached your goal weight, you go home, feeling good and ready to continue the healthy new habits you’ve adopted. You can go back any time for a short visit. And it’s all paid for by the capitalist patriarchy.

What would your dream diet spa be like? Please share in the comments below. I’m listening.


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